Hobbit Changes Part Two: Orcs, Eagles, and the Dragon

Part One here.

Okay, so it took about a year but I am finishing this thought. I know, I know – if I waited just another four years before I did anything I would show promise as a Congressman.

So the Hobbit trilogy, the trilogy that is nearly as fashionable to hate as the Star Wars prequels. Some people have even suggested that they are on the same level, as people have argued that both have an over-reliance on CGI and an underdeveloped story. I would counter and ask someone to please find either the Jar Jar or the Midi-chlorian equivalent in the Hobbit trilogy. Please let me know if you find it and feel like you can make a compelling argument.

Is there anything close to this bad in Jackson's Hobbit? I think not.
Is there anything close to this bad in Jackson’s Hobbit? I think not.

The point is: Love or hate director Peter Jackson’s changes, most of them make sense from a storytelling perspective in the context of the Middle Earth universe. There are, however, a few that are truly disappointing. While I largely defend the Hobbit trilogy… Lord of the Rings these ain’t.

The Orc Design/Effects

This first change is not really a storytelling critique, but rather an effects one. When the Lord of the Rings came out, it wowed audiences with its masterful use of effects. Mixing costumes and model work with the latest in computer technology, those films were able to create an incredibly believable look that reflected a restraint rarely seen today in big budget Hollywood. I’m not sure where those guys are getting their data, but audiences today seem sick of an overuse of CGI.

That said…

WHAT IS UP WITH THE ORCS?!

Or goblins, I want to be politically correct. In particular I’m talking about the two lead baddies, Azog the Defiler and Bolg… the other one. While they can be criticized on more than their appearance (both are rather boring villains who are given way too much screen time), the fact that they are computer generated creations is noticeable. Unlike Gollum, who emotes with the lively presence of Andy Serkis, Azog and Bolg appear stiffer and less, well – alive. This again could have to do with their simplistic motivations. Or it could involve another fact:

The original costumes were relegated to smaller parts in the final trilogy.
The original costumes were relegated to smaller parts in the final trilogy.

They were originally people in costumes and NOT motion captured acting like the Gollum performance. That’s right, Peter Jackson originally wanted both of the main villains to at least look a little more real. Yet, at least according to this source – Jackson was happy with CGI redos and wished his other orcs looked that way.

I don't know, the original Bolg looks really cool.
I don’t know, the original Bolg looks really cool.

I’m not sure I buy this.

A lot has come out since the release of the Hobbit trilogy that alleges that Jackson did not have as much control as people would naturally think. I mean, after making Lord of the Rings, how could they not…

Are you kidding?

After Jackson’s trilogy single-handedly saved New Line Cinemas from disappearing into irrelevant oblivion (they tried to withhold money from him on those btw) he and his work was still not respected from a studio standpoint. While the other Hobbit production videos (and commentary tracks) all painted a roses-and-sunshine picture, this feels like the truest look at a production that was in major trouble from day one.

Azog probably still would have been a boring villain, but there is a performance here that has been lost, and that is really sad.
Azog probably still would have been a boring villain, but there is a performance here that has been lost, and that is really sad.

With Jackson never being given the time he asked for, one must wonder: what other decisions were made for him? This would not be the first time that a studio came in, looked at painstakingly crafted practical effects, and said: “kids these days really just want stuff from the computers and the internets.”

Is Peter Jackson the next George Lucas… or is he just one of many directors not fully in charge of their own movies (Edgar Wright, Sam Raimi, Joss Whedon)? We may never know… but damage done in The Hobbit.

The Eagles

Ah the Eagles, the deus ex machina of the Tolkien universe. Need a hand, got to leave a bad situation – the Eagles got you covered. I’m always amazed when fans of the book criticize Jackson’s decision to explain where Gandalf went when he vanished. Without those scenes, Gandalf would just disappear, conveniently only  reappearing to save Bilbo and the dwarves from impending peril. We already got the Eagles guys, we don’t need another one.

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Yet the book did have one very important piece that Jackson’s films omit: An introduction. The Eagles are introduced in the Hobbit and their actions are explained… if only a little bit. How might you ask? Well very naturally, the Eagles can and do talk. They express gratitude to Gandalf as well as state that they have no desire to be a taxi service, especially where “fat dwarves” are concerned.

This is a minor problem, and its omission is far from the greatest flaw in the trilogy. That said, it would have been really nice to give the Eagles their motivation, rather than having them appear yet again to only fulfill plot necessity. Doing so would not only have helped the Hobbit movies, but it would have fixed one of the greatest complaints against the Lord of the Rings, namely explaining why this did not happen:

The Smaug Sequence at the end of Desolation of Smaug

Oh Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age!

Wait.

No.

That poor excuse for Rodan can’t even kill a few dwarves running around the Lonely Mountain.

This is the biggest problem with that ending “action sequence” in Desolation of Smaug. Not only does nothing happen to propel the story forward for like.. I don’t know, at least fifteen minutes, the menace of Smaug is greatly reduced. For the past two movies, the horror of this dragon has been built up. When he is revealed, he is depicted as godlike; capable of destroying entire cities without suffering a single injury.

Don't be scared Bilbo! He's definitely farsighted.
Don’t be scared Bilbo! He’s definitely farsighted.

Yet for at least ten minutes, he flails about like a drunk Benedict Cumberbatch, unable to do anything right. Seriously, it goes to the point that Thorin actually taunts him into breathing more fire – that’s how ineffective he is.

A scene equivalent would have been watching Sauron fumble around for the ring for ten minutes at the end of Return of the King before Frodo just kicks it into Mount Doom.

Storytelling tip: if you want a villain to be threatening, they must be effective. What makes it worse, was if the dwarves and Bilbo actually succeeded in doing something (like say knocking off a scale and exposing Smaug’s weakness) the scene would have served at least some point. As it stands, Smaug looks dumb and the good guys do… nothing.

 

All this being said, I still like The Hobbit trilogy. Is it as good as Lord of the Rings, not even close. That said, there is still a love here for a world that is noticeable, and characters who feel real and entertaining (there is also no picnic love scene equivalent to the Star Wars prequels). It is an absolute shame that Peter Jackson was not given the time to do this properly, but never say never.

Remakes are all the rage in Hollywood right now. Who knows what adventure the highly profitable Middle Earth will take next time.

I would love to see someone try to flesh out the plot of this story into something that is actually fun to dive into.
I would love to see someone try to flesh out the plot of this story into something that is actually fun to dive into.

Dear Hollywood: Please do Something with Dino-Riders

Let me tell you about Dino-Riders. It is f*cking amazing.

There are dinosaurs with freaking laser beams attached to their heads. I’m not lying. Produced in 1988, Dino-Riders was a TV show that (exactly like Transformers) existed to sell toys. What kind of toys exactly? Have a look:

Literally dinosaurs with laser beams attached to their heads. You see that it was no exaggeration.
Literally dinosaurs with laser beams attached to their heads. You see that it was no exaggeration.

Oh and in case you’re wondering what the heck is riding the dinosaurs? Let me tell you:

ancient-aliens-guy

So the basic premise is this: good-guy humans and bad-guy aliens end up back in time (or on some other planet – who cares?) with dinosaurs. They attach weapons to those dinosaurs and proceed to beat the crap out of each other. This makes the ridiculousness of Jurassic World look like a serious drama.

It is smart: absolutely not. Well, I shouldn’t say that with such certainty. I only ever watched two episodes of the show as a kid a long time ago… but I remember nothing about it besides “good guy is good, bad guy is bad – DINOSAURS.” Yet what needs brains to make a lot of money.

Did Jurassic World make any sense?

It did not.

Jurassic World‘s worldwide gross was $1,668,805,942. So either people reeeaaallly love Chris Pratt, or audiences want fun dinosaur action! Pixar’s upcoming film, the Good Dinosaur, may help prove which factor one way or the other.

Really, ever since Transformers emerged as a blockbuster juggernaut (again – points for movies that make no sense), Dino-Riders should have been a no-brainer. Well, I’m happy to report that Hollywood might have finally realized what they’re sitting on.

According to an article that broke last month, toy giant Mattel and unknown Solipsist Film (they seem to be a new company, there is very little on them; their website has nothing) are teaming up to bring Dino-Riders to the big screen.

Will it materialize? It had better. Seriously Hollywood – this is a franchise with mindless dinosaur and alien action that is from the 1980s. It has cash cow written all over it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lor_uUkJkkw

Oh and apparently there is a video game? It looks fan made. People can also just play Ark: Survival Evolved, which is practically the Dino-Riders game.

Joss Whedon: Age of Ultron's Directing Marvel

When February 22nd rolls around next year, I can guarantee that Avengers: Age of Ultron will not be nominated for Best Picture. Nor should it be for, in my opinion, the movie always has too much going on to ever come together in a complete and fully rewarding way. That said, I can also guarantee that Joss Whedon will miss a nomination as Best Director, and this will be a far greater oversight. That is because while Avengers: Age of Ultron may not be an incredibly “good” movie, it is still a really fun and well-made one. Considering the weight of characters, plot threads, action sequences, and emotional threads that all had to be balanced: this is an achievement, one that is not likely to be repeated this year (and perhaps ever).

Alas, Whedon will have to contend with simply being adored by fans as a great director and a leader in the feminist human rights movement... what a shame.
Alas, Whedon will have to contend with simply being adored by fans as a great director and a leader in the feminist human rights movement… how will he sleep at night?

To give a rundown: Age of Ultron is the continuing adventures of Captain America, Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury – meaning all these characters are in the movie. Oh, and let’s not forget the three new Avengers: Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, and the Vision (of these characters begin the movie as villains). Okay, got them too. Oh and let’s not forget the cameos and supporting characters: War Machine, Falcon, Maria Hill, Stan Lee (cause apparently he needs at least one scene), Peggy Carter, Heimdall, Erik Selvig, Baron Strucker, Ulysses Klaue, and many others… seriously – there are others. I’m just done listing them. Oh, and OH YEAH – Ultron… and Thanos too…

There was even evidence to support a cameo from your friendly neighborhood wallcrawler... but sadly, this video has been exposed as a skilled fake.
There was even evidence to support a cameo from your friendly neighborhood wall-crawler… but sadly, this video has been exposed as a skilled fake.

I just named enough random names in a row to sound like part of the book of Genesis.

For those wondering, the film has a running time of 141 minutes, or two hours and twenty-one minutes, which is not that long. To give a comparison, if I may; The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug ran 161 minutes… and that did not even contain the whole story of a children’s book. Damn.

And it works, that is the single most impressive thing I can say about Avengers: Age of Ultron. It does not always work well – indeed there are several sequences where the mass of the movie appears poised to explode out and bury the plot – but this never happens. In part because Whedon stuck again to basics (like he did in the first movie).

A major flaw in film stories today is that they fail to cram too much complexity into their two and a half hour run time. Whedon wisely sticks to doing this model well.
A story has a simple bone structure and Whedon is skilled at sticking to – and knowing when to pad – this frame.

Ultron is a simple villain, but still well done. His plan is not complicated, his emotions are not buried under layers of psychosis. He is a refreshingly human robot with a simple dream… a dream of killing all humans. The voice work of the wickedly talented James Spader helps bring the character to life, as well as a beautifully tragic birth sequence.

A simple main conflict allows Whedon time to work with his characters – and work he does. Rising tension between Captain America (Chris Evans) and Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), fluttering eyelashes between Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Thor (Chris Hemsworth) questioning his purpose and his actions, and arguably the best scenes of all saved for Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) – and a path from villain to hero for Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen). Samuel L. Jackson‘s Nick Fury is the only returning star who feels a little left out in the cold.

Hawkeye may be lacking in cool powers, but Whedon knows the character well enough to bring out exactly why he is a member of the team.
Hawkeye may be lacking in cool powers, but Whedon knows the character well enough to bring out exactly why he is a member of the team.

Of course… this is a summer movie – and that means action. Those looking for it will get their fill. A castle raid, an oil tanker brawl, Hulk vs. Hulk Buster, Avengers vs. Ultron: the movie brings it all in spades. By the end, one might even be a little sick of slow motion sequences of our heroes beating up on robots… but one can also get sick from eating too much ice cream.

In terms of spectacle, it does not disappoint.
In terms of spectacle, it does not disappoint.

Joss Whedon has done the near impossible, wrestling this much comic book into one movie. Time will tell exactly how much of his background as a comic book writer and official super geek helped him achieve this – or whether others who don’t share this background can do the same (Marvel is certainly hoping they can). Whedon’s familiarity with the characters and source material has clearly helped him to do more with less in his past two mega superhero mash-ups.

It is simply too bad that he will not be returning for the sequels. Time will see if the Avengers can triumph without their real leader.