Living with Anxiety and Panic: Getting Informed on a Most Common Mental Illness

My name is Colin McMahon, and I suffer from Anxiety. To be more specific, I suffer from Panic Disorder, a rarer and more extreme condition. While this level of anxiety is rare, the mental illness itself is not. It is expected that as many as 40 million people suffer from some form of anxiety in the U.S. alone. When I was diagnosed with anxiety… well, to be honest – I knew before I was diagnosed.

My first panic attack was a wake-up call that was hard to ignore. For those out there who are unfamiliar with panic attacks, I have created a video to help demonstrate what exactly they can be like (at least in my experience):

Others have written and drawn their experiences. Panic attacks appear to be one of the most wonderfully awful things on the planet. Essentially, chemicals in the brain activate the fight or flight response, or the system designed to keep us alive in life-threatening situations. Unfortunately, this often happens in situations that are nowhere near that extreme. Something as simple as leaving the house can become twisted by Panic Disorder until the mind genuinely fears for its life. The good news is that a panic attack is not dangerous, and treatments do exist for any out there seeking help.

Unfortunately, like most disorders, anxiety and panic attacks work in cyclical nature.
Unfortunately, like most disorders, anxiety and panic attacks work in cyclical nature.

I am actually not writing this article to discuss panic attacks. While terrifying, yes, there are not the only real complication that can arise from anxiety. I would like to tell you that I’ve known that fact for a while and am just now deciding to share but the reality is I am writing this because I could not believe how ignorant I was over a condition I have lived with for years. In the past week, I have been given the opportunity to look carefully at my actions, and I have been shocked at how much I have learned.

I wish I could laugh at the ridiculousness of this, but I have had nearly identical thought patterns myself. As loopy as it sounds, it feels real.
I wish I could laugh at this, but I have had nearly identical thought patterns myself. As loopy as it sounds, it feels real.

Anxiety and Anger: Yeah, turns out there’s a correlation. I’m still too new to this stuff to write about it properly so I will just provide some helpful links. For those wishing to understand the general correlation: click here or here. To learn helpful coping strategies, try this article. To see the link with depression: here.

Anxiety and Insecurity: This one should not have surprised me as much as it did. Everyone has insecurities on some level, but those with anxiety have to be more careful. We’re already prone to over-think situations and this can create a warped perception of events, as well as spiraling into unwarranted feelings of worthlessness and depression. I will admit, I have been an insecure person my whole life and it is at least semi-comforting to have gained a new understanding of why that is and, more importantly, what I can do to manage it. For those looking for some help, I recommend here and here.

Anxiety can twist ideas with the best intentions. When you have low self worth, you're driven to go out of your mind to please people - especially if that person matters to you.
Anxiety can twist ideas with the best intentions. When you have low self worth, you’re driven to go out of your mind to please people – especially if that person matters to you.

Anxiety and Relationships: You know, when I look back at how judging I have been of others with mental illnesses in relationships, all I can feel is shame. I honestly don’t know how I went over a year without asking “how is this daily condition going to affect my love life?” Well now I know, and if you have anxiety and are in a relationship: do yourself a favor and get educated before you hurt someone you care about. Here is link to how anxiety can affect relationships. Here, here, and here are links to for the other side. Yes, you lucky ones out there who get to date us nervous Nellies. How long has it been since that term has been used outside the Simpsons?

Anxiety is insecurity, fear, and distrust. A powerfully damaging compilation in any relationship.
Anxiety is insecurity, fear, and distrust. A powerfully damaging compilation in any relationship.

Oh, and here’s a general one for family and friends.

I apologize for all the links and lack of content, but as I said: most of this is new to me. A mental illness is never an excuse to mistreat someone, so please if you or someone you know has anxiety – get educated. I promise to do my part with fuller articles in the future. In the meantime, hope you enjoyed my video!

anxiety

Writing the Right Way: Three Areas Where Bioware can Improve

Most every major developer in the world of video games has a skill sets their company apart. Want to play a polished game with years of development clearly invested: go Valve or Blizzard. Want a cooky sandbox-style game that plays with morality in a delightfully childish way: contact Peter Molyneux (whatever company he happens to be a part of). Feel like you’re in the mood to play an NFL simulator: well, too bad because EA Sports still holds exclusive rights so it is Madden or nothing. Everyone has strengths. With Bioware, the company has made its reputation on immersive, choice-driven stories. The company exploded into the public spotlight with Knights of the Old Republic, a Star Wars game that featured the greatest twist since Empire Strikes Back.

Since then Bioware has built worlds filled with entangling plots, diverse characters, and morality systems. Of course, the games themselves have evolved over time – and Bioware has made improvements accordingly. Real-time combat has replaced turn-based strategy and advanced animation allows for characters to express more personality. Storytelling is also able to be much more seamlessly integrated into the gameplay, although Bioware’s style has been to use non-playable cutscenes to attain a cinematic quality. How have the stories themselves been? Great! Stellar really across the board, give or take a few complaints. Yet as with any company, there is room for improvement. Here are three areas where Bioware can succeed at even higher levels:

1. Villains

For all the impressive companions that the Bioware writing staff develops, the villains… leave a little to be desired. Not to say that every enemy has been a bore by any stretch, Master Li (Jade Empire) and the Illusive Man (Mass Effect 2 & 3) are definite highlights. Yet for every interesting antagonist, there are two others that just do not work. Kai Leng, the Archdemon, and Corypheus are all prime examples of one-dimensional villains. The player understands that these people are evil because… there needed to be a villain in there somewhere? Motivation breathes relatability and frankly, a lot of Bioware villains just seem to be jerks. A good villain is hard to do well and there needs to be gray area to allow the player to see things from their perspective, even if they do not agree with it. In certain cases, Bioware has tried to give a villain dimension.

Kai Leng looks like he leapt right out of the pages of fanfiction.
Kai Leng looks like he leapt right out of the pages of fanfiction.

The greatest example is Teyrn Loghain, one of the main antagonists in Dragon Age: Origins. Early in the game, the player is trying to help the king win a battle against the darkspawn (the bad guy of the game). The player has to light a torch, signaling Loghain to come in and help with all his men. Here is what happens:

Apparently, Loghain had deemed the battle lost and blames it all on the player. Of course, he clearly did everything he could. Just look at him try and… what a dick. Yes, for all Bioware’s efforts – this attempt did not work. The only thing they succeeded in doing was creating an immense feeling of satisfaction when the player finally had the choice to kill Loghain. As you can imagine, many people chose to do so. Not that this is not an achievement, but given the depth of character writing Bioware exhibits, it is a shame to see so many cardboard cutouts when it comes to the bad guy.

Anders might be the best villain Bioware has ever created. He is certainly the most relatable in the sense that he is a good guy for most of the game.
Anders might be the best villain Bioware has ever created. He is certainly the most relatable in the sense that he is a good guy for most of the game.

2. Character Consequences

A lot of Bioware writing has creates consequences to be sure. The main one I am highlighting is best shown in Mass Effect 2. For those out there not in the know, the plot of Mass Effect 2 involves summoning a team of experts to take on a highly dangerous suicide mission. Seriously, this mission is super dangerous – like 99% chance of failure. No one really has any hope of… what, everyone lived? Oh, okay then.

People can die. Can, but don't have to.
People can die. Can, but don’t have to.

Perfection is not perfect. Saving everyone does not breed the best storyline, in fact it can create some real problems with a lot of leftover characters (just look at how they had to handle things in Mass Effect 3). Sure, having an achievement for surviving with everyone is nice but really – it’s dumb and it takes away from the realism and the intensity of the story. Make the player make choices that will get people killed. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs as they say.

Better example: imagine there was a way to play through Telltale’s The Walking Dead without anyone dying. How much less engaging and emotional of a story would that be?

There is no way to save Carley. That’s what makes it memorable.

3. More Mature Relationships

No, I don’t mean more sex. Bioware has come a long way with this but there is still almost a juvenile obsession with the player’s love life. It can be amusing and make for some great scenes but – with everything that is usually going on in these games, why do people really care? Also, why is it only the player character who ever enters into a relationship? Why not two party members? Yes, Mass Effect toyed with this concept a little but more could be done.

The kiss was the first climax in Bioware relationships.
The kiss was the first climax in Bioware relationships.

Also, the game places an unhealthy standard by claiming that the sex scene is the climax. As a player, you romance a party member, have sex with them and – that’s it. You’ve won, right? That’s totally how relationships work in real life. It reduces the problems and emotions involved. There are a lot of avenues here like having the player already begin the game in a relationship.

Bioware did this in Mass Effect 3 but it did not feel genuine. Even if the player’s love interest was on the ship, they stayed in their own area and did not really ever interact as a couple. This could have been more due to programming difficulty and time limitations more than anything else. Still, Bioware has pioneered a lot of relationship mechanics in games, it would be nice to see them take the next step in making it more believable, and less about getting laid. Not that there is no place for certain scenes like that:

What Does Stardust Have to Say on Abusive Relationships

In 2007, Paramount Pictures released Stardust, a high-spirited family fantasy film… that no one saw. Seriously, the film was made for $90 million (before advertising) and didn’t even generate $140 million. This was a shame as many people, myself included, find it to be a fun and well put together movie. Based on a Neil Gaiman book by the same name, Stardust follows the life of young Tristan Thorn (Charlie Cox). It is the classic man-of-destiny story. Tristan needs to grow from a boy into a man in order to take his place in a newly discovered magical kingdom. Sounds pretty generic by fantasy standards – but still well done. What Stardust does that I find worth mentioning is how it handles the abusive relationship in the story. Oh yes, not everything is happy in the land of enchantment. Specifically the relationship between these two:

Tristan Thorn and his "true love," Victoria.
Tristan Thorn and his “true love,” Victoria.

Tristan Thorn has grown up in a small town and seems to know most everybody. Problem is that he’s kind of a nobody. He’s not exactly the man to exude confidence or strength or anything like that – just more of your average nice guy. Then there is Victoria (Sienna Miller). Victoria is not as subtle a personality as Tristan. She is loud, center-stage and appears to adore being the center of attention. Case in point: she stands idly by and Tristan and another suitor, Humphrey (Henry Cavill – wait, seriously?) attempt to win her hand.

This right here could be opportunity to criticize Hollywood for yet another ditzy woman character who does not ever take an active role in her romantic life. Yet Victoria is not completely voiceless. She is not presented as the empty-headed “I don’t know what I should do” type. Instead, she is far more sinister.

The abusive relationship between Tristan and Victoria is more subtle than most plot point/character interactions in this movie. Victoria is not overtly evil. She has no dastardly plan designed to hurt Tristan. She is instead presented as immature – self-centered to be more specific. In the movie, the audience learns very quickly that Victoria is at the center of her world.

In a sequence near the beginning of the film, Victoria enters a shop to buy things. Tristan is manning that shop and there is already a very long line of customers waiting to be served. Victoria sees fit to use her advantage, Tristan’s infatuation with her, to bypass said line and be served immediately. Of course Tristan does it – the abusive relationship always needs a bully and a victim. The resulting action costs Tristan his job. Not to worry though, Victoria says she’s sorry about it the next time she sees him.

Apparently there are actually seven. No clue about spiritual abuse but all right.
Apparently there are actually seven. No clue about spiritual abuse but all right.

There are six main types of abuse that occur within relationships and Victoria appears to be using both emotional abuse as well as mental abuse. She is essentially keeping Tristan within her power. She knows she can make him do things by just using a few simple words. Is Tristan to blame for his behavior? Not really. True, he is a bit of a pushover (especially in the beginning) but that really is no excuse for Victoria to use him. It is the classic “dangling carrot” scenario. Anyone with a horse knows how this works: dangle a carrot on a rope in front of a horse. The horse will move forward to try and get the carrot. The carrot that Victoria is dangling in front of Tristan is quite simply – her.

For the entirety of the film’s opening half, many of Tristan’s actions are driven by the desires of Victoria. He is so desperate to “win her affections” that he will do just about anything to impress her. Granted, these actions by themselves do not mean abuse. Tristan could simply be a helpless romantic. It is that, like the horse with the carrot, Tristan has no chance of winning Victoria – but she is too busy enjoying using him to inform him of that, and he is too trapped to see it for himself.

Yes, Victoria and Tristan are fictional characters but the movie is showing a real abusive relationship - and, more importantly, how to overcome it.
Yes, Victoria and Tristan are fictional characters but the movie is showing a real abusive relationship – and, more importantly, how to overcome it.

Victoria wants to marry Humphrey, it is very obvious to everyone (except Tristan). Later in the film, after Tristan has left on his journey – a journey he only initially leaves on to impress Victoria – and met Yvaine (Claire Danes), he finally begins to learn what is it to have an actual relationship:

Yvaine: Tell me about Victoria, then.
Tristan: Well, she… she… There’s nothing more to tell you.
Yvaine: The little I know about love is that it’s unconditional. It’s not something you can buy.
Tristan: Hang on! This wasn’t about me buying her love. This was a way for me to prove to her how I felt.
Yvaine: Ah… And what’s she doing to prove how she feels about you?

Again, this lesson is very applicable to real life and I really feel that the movie should be applauded for having it. Too often in movies, abusive relationships are blown out of proportion for dramatic effect (Looking at you, Prince Hans). While many elements of Stardust are unbelievable, the movie has some very well written relationships. Tristan’s unhealthy attachment to Victoria can serve as a both a warning and a beacon of hope. He escapes the cycle and learns who he really is.

I will make one thing clear: I am not using this post to simply show how women can abuse men. This type of abusive relationship can occur between people of any gender. Stardust happens to showcase an abusive female, but that is not to say that it is only women who can mentally abuse other human beings.