Colin McMahon

Mutants are Powers, Not People: A Critical Look at the X-Men Film Franchise

Posted on May 28, 2014 by Colin McMahon

There have been seven mutant movies: seven. Five “focusing” (use the word lightly) on the X-Men, and two centered (even more) on Hugh Jackman – I mean, Wolverine. The latest of these, X-Men: Days of Future Past, was released this past Friday. This latest installment serves as a series reboot in a similar vein to J.J. Abrams’ 2009 Star Trek. The timeline is changed, but with reverence given to the original material… which may have been a mistake. Warning: the following contains spoilers regarding the plot of X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Abrams did not want to undo the original movies so I created a cool idea to reboot them. Apparently Bryan Singer loves the first two X-Men movies more than anyone else on the planet. — Abrams did not want to undo the original movies so I created a cool idea to reboot them. Apparently, Bryan Singer loves the first two X-Men movies more than anyone else on the planet.

First, a brief history regarding the X-Men films. They began in 2000 with the release of X-Men, the first of the blockbuster superhero movies. Bryan Singer directed this movie, beginning his long involvement with the series. Singer would return to direct X-Men 2 (or X-Men United or X2 or whatever you want to call it) in 2003. This installment was hailed as superior to the first and it seemed like the X-Men series was gaining momentum. That said, Singer’s success with the X-Men had been noticed and he was offered the chance to direct the new Superman reboot (what would turn into Superman Returns). He abandoned the X-Men series and Fox sought another director. What we ultimately got was Brett Ratner and X-Men: the Last Stand… things had gone wrong very quickly.

Oh awesome! A movie with cool action that focuses too much on Wolverine. You're amazing, Bryan Singer! — Oh awesome! A movie with cool action that focuses too much on Wolverine. You’re amazing, Bryan Singer!

But were they ever right?

Oh damn, a movie that focuses too much on Wolverine AND has only mediocre action scenes! Cruse you, Brett Ratner!

X-Men 2, X-Men: First Class, X-Men: Days of Future Past – these are hailed as the “good” X-Men movies. That said, as someone who grew up watching the X-Men in the 1990s and who has read Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-Men (seriously, if you ever read a superhero comic book, read these), I have always found the films disappointing. Here, look at this:

Okay, this intro gets the X-Men right more than the movies do. I say that for two reasons: the team, and the handling of Wolverine. There have been five X-Men movies: who has the team been? Well in the first one you had Cyclops, Wolverine, Jean Grey, Rogue, Ice Man, Storm, and a couple others. The second movie added Nightcrawler and moved the plot away from the team and more onto Wolverine (dealing with his past). The third movie lost Nightcrawler and Cyclops (for all intents and purposes) while adding Angel, Beast, Colossus, and Shadowcat (and moving even more focus onto Wolverine). First Class was a prequel and couldn’t have anyone important besides Prof X, Magneto, Mystique, and Beast. You get my point: there’s a lot of fluctuation. This is easy to do in television and comics, where there is a lot more time, but very unwise in movies.

Even in the comics (or TV series), there is almost always a core group that remains unchanged. This allows whoever is writing to focus strongly on these characters.

The result is that the audience never gets too familiar with who is on screen. Everyone out there knows the film iteration of Wolverine. He is by far the most defined character in the film series (he has two films that do not pretend to focus on other people AND he is the large focus of two of the X-Men movies). Yet who is the next most defined character, Professor X? Well he is the founder of the X-Men so that makes sense. Then who… Storm? She has weather powers… Cyclops shoots things from his eyes… Jean Grey is the telekinetic love interest…. starting to see my point?

Scott Summers has existed since 1963 with no real changes made. His power isn't the coolest... so that's not what keeps him around. There is more here than just "that dork with glasses who dates Jean Grey." — Scott Summers has existed since 1963 with no real changes made. His power isn’t the coolest… so that’s not what keeps him around. There is more here than just “that dork with glasses who dates Jean Grey.”

There aren’t people in the X-Men movies, there are powers. Does say, Ice Man, possess certain qualities. He does: he liked Rogue and then Shadowcat. Primarily though… he is the ice guy who beat up the fire guy. There’s also a lot of cameos… a lot of sequences created to showcase powers. Look at Nightcrawler in X-Men 2… does anyone remember anything about him other than his really cool teleporting sequence at the beginning of the movie? I feel like the same can be applied to Quicksilver in X-Men: Days of Future Past (his action piece is arguably the coolest thing in the film).

Man, there's a lot of tension here with the mutants facing extinction. I really care about... wait, who are these guys? I'm saying this after seeing the movie... seriously, who were these people? — Man, there’s a lot of tension here with the mutants facing extinction. I really care about… wait, who are these guys? I’m saying this after seeing the movie… seriously, who were these people?

This works for creating entertaining movies but ultimately eliminates the chance for a great movie. Wolverine is the only member of the X-Men that anyone cares about, and that was made clear in X-Men: Days of Future Past. In that film, they are fighting to save the future: to make sure that the X-Men are not wiped out by the sentinels, and to make sure that X-Men: the Last Stand never happened (Singer appears to hate that film more than anyone else). And they succeed! Huzzah, the future is saved. X-Men: Days of Future Past ends with a sequence – Wolverine walks through the halls and sees all the old X-Men back alive. This, more than anything else, draws attention to how little the audience really knows any of these characters. It also shows how old everyone is (2000 was 14 years ago).

While Days of Future Past isn't boring, First Class should have been the reboot film (it was initially intended to be). That would have made more sense and made it so we didn't have to sit through a movie populated by boring no-names who we know make no significant contribution. — While *Days of Future Past* isn’t boring, *First Class* should have been the reboot film (it was initially intended to be). That would have made more sense and made it so we didn’t have to sit through a movie populated by boring no-names who we know make no significant contribution.

Great, there was a reboot movie to fix the old timeline… which wasn’t worth saving. After seeing a fantastic team movie like the Avengers, which shows the coolness of the powers AND the strength of the characters (Steve Rodgers, Tony Stark, and Bruce Banner are far more interesting than just guys in costumes), the X-Men films just come off as flat. Audiences have seen seven movies of Wolverine and the X-Men… how about seeing the X-Men once. They are a team of people… not a team of powers.

#BringBackOurGirls: Does Internet Activism Work or Are You Justified in Being a Cynical, Cold-Hearted Asshole (Spoilers: You're Not Justified)

Posted on May 23, 2014 by Colin McMahon

#BringBackOurGirls. Over the past several weeks, this slogan has dominated social media like no other. It has been at the center of a Twitter campaign, a Facebook campaign, an Instagram campaign… pretty much, if social media exists, it is carrying this message. The campaign started in response to a horrible atrocity being committed in Nigeria where militant terrorists (they claim to be Islamist but they are in fact, simple gun-toting thugs) have kidnapped more than 200 schoolgirls. Yes, there are parts of the world still where it is the completely non-joking belief that women have no right to learn. The girls were kidnapped… weeks went by, nothing happened. Then there was a speech, a speech by Oby Ezekwesili, vice president of the World Bank for Africa. For anyone out there wondering where the slogan, “Bring Back Our Girls” came from, there is the answer. This slogan was picked up by Nigerian tweeters and circulated the world quickly. It wasn’t long before celebrities got involved, and then there was this:

First Lady Michelle Obama endorsing the #BringBackOurGirls campaign.

Let me stop right here and say that, even if this campaign had no effect, this gesture was (at worst) a kind thought; the equivalent of saying “hope you have a nice day” to a stranger on the street. Yeah, it doesn’t really do anything, but no one suffers because of it. Michelle Obama is the First Lady, not the President. She is not leading the free world, she has time for niceties such as this (if nicety had been all it was).

Of course, in the land of America (pronounced ‘Murrica), everything is political. This act was dissected and dissenters emerged:

Which, of course, merited a response:

(Apologies for the low quality on the Jon Stewart clip, I wanted to make sure our friends outside of ‘Murrica would have a working link)

You have to love the first world. It truly is a land of luxury. First world country (or rich, technologically sophisticated country) citizens have a luxury that other, less fortunate parts of the world do not. We can turn fact into opinion. Climate change, I don’t believe in it. No, no! Do not show me all of this “scientific data” and “unanimous agreement” that says it is, I can counter with one guy who says it’s not… so really it’s all equal. Of course, none of that matters to us in the first world. We will probably be able to avert the catastrophe of climate change while only countries like Africa suffer…

See here’s the thing. I’ve been looking around the interwebs and it’s only here, in first world places, where the effectiveness of this campaign is being debated. If you ask Nigeria… you get the more cut-and-dry answer of: we started the campaign for a reason you idiots! But what do they know, they’re from the third world… where you actually have to be intelligent or tenacious to stay alive.

I could give a link demonstrating how this campaign has been effective (here you go) and I could give a link showing how it hasn’t (I’m not going to cause it’s my blog, my choice). Let me just say this instead: doing something, even if that something might not work out in a positive way, is always – ALWAYS – better than openly doing nothing while criticizing people who are trying. There is a word for that in the English language, and I believe those people are called f*ckheads.

Ann Coutler proves once again that she can bring less to the value of humanity than anyone else alive. — Ann Coulter proves once again that she can bring less to the value of humanity than anyone else alive.

There exists a depressing amount of horrible action in the world, and for most of it there is no response. The fact that the first world is concerned, actively concerned, is victory. The fact that the United States has sent people to help is a victory. You can not like the Michelle Obama picture… more to you if you don’t, but do not sit back and smugly say: “that will never work” without doing some f*cking homework to see how atrocities take place and how they are prevented. The vast majority of horrible things happened without the world knowing about them until it was too late (like say, the Holocaust). When the world is watching, less shit tends to happen. That is the power of the internet, that is why Edward Snowden is seen as either a traitor or a hero. Using the internet to spread awareness and information is one of the most powerful weapons out there.

Man, remember when people were wasting time talking about gay marriage? Nothing got accomplished there, right... — Man, remember when people were wasting time talking about gay marriage? Nothing got accomplished there, right…

Can social media campaigns single-handedly change the world: no. They are nothing more than a tool or a gun. As always, the power lies with the people. I do not know if the girls will be found. I sincerely hope that they will and that these thugs are put to justice. I do know this, however. Given how the situation was going before #BringBackOurGirls started… there was no chance that they would have be found. People were doing nothing until social pressure (spurred on by social media) forced action.

How Women Ruined Young Justice for the Rest of Us

Posted on May 23, 2014 by Colin McMahon

Women…. am I right, fellas? It seems like everything they touch in this world gets a little worse. What have they brought to the world of education? What have they brought to the world of politics? When was the last time that a woman even discovered anything useful in science? Well it turns out that women aren’t just a force for un-action, they are actively ruining things for us guys. Things like Young Justice:

I know what you’re thinking: there’s only two women there and both conform to the ideally thin image demanded by civilized society. That is not the problem. True, while the show wastes episodes devoted to explaining these two’s “character” and “motivation,” the problem with Young Justice is that women actually WATCHED it. Apparently a lot of them, the majority of Young Justice’s strong viewership was women. So, of course, the executives at Cartoon Network had to cancel it.

If Paul Dini is to be believed (he’s a man so we can trust him), then the sole reason that Young Justice went off the air is because, since the majority of the viewership was women, the execs over at Cartoon Network (I’m going to guess also at least 90% male) canceled the show since it wouldn’t sell toys.

“…we had families and girls watching, and girls really became a part of our audience…but the Cartoon Network was saying…’no, we want the boys’ action, it’s boys’ action, this goofy boy humor we’ve [got to] get that in there’…I’d say look at the numbers, we’ve got parents watching…[the executives at Cartoon Network say] ‘we’ve got too many girls, we need more boys.’ And that’s why they cancelled us…’We don’t want girls because the girls won’t buy toys….Boys buy the little spinny tops, they buy the action figures, girls buy princesses, we’re not selling princesses.”

Just read that again. The nerve, right? WHY COULDN’T THEY HAVE WATCHED SOMETHING WITH PRINCESSES?! Everyone knows that there is not a single super-popular animated show out there starring a woman who is not a princess.

Korra is actually a princess... a princess who beats the snot out of people. — Korra is actually a princess… a princess who beats the snot out of people.

All the Cartoon Network executives wanted was to create a good, wholesome show that sold toys to little boys and little boys only, like a 21st century G.I. Joe or Transformers. Those two shows were both solely marketed towards males and have not produced a single sexist –

Well not more than one –

Okay then that’s –

Fun fact: this shot is not the start of a porn but rather the introduction of the main female character in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. — Fun fact: this shot is not the start of a porn but rather the introduction of the main female character in *Transformers: Dark of the Moon*.

Fine.

For the record, I did try to find the records for Young Justice‘s ratings to confirm (or deny) Mr. Dini’s accusations but was unable to. What I did find was that the show was highly rated on IMDB, praised on TV.com, and that there is a petition to bring the show back. Apparently a Kickstarter campaign was also considered. Clearly this just means that the women are organized and are actively trying to trick the Cartoon Network executives. Rest assured, they are men and no attempt at manipulation or well-formulated argument will penetrate their testosterone-reinforced skulls.

This is a shame since I just binge-watched the first season (on vacation, don’t judge me) of Young Justice and it was rather entertaining. There was excellent story continuity, strong characters, and the show appeared to contain applicable morals for teens growing up. F*cking women though… am I right, Mr. Dini?

“That’s the thing, you know I hate being Mr. Sour Grapes here, but I’ll just lay it on the line: that’s the thing that got us cancelled on Tower Prep, honest-to-God was, it’s like, ‘we need boys, but we need girls right there, right one step behind the boys’—this is the network talking—’one step behind the boys, not as smart as the boys, not as interesting as boys, but right there.’ And then we began writing stories that got into the two girls’ back stories, and they were really interesting. And suddenly we had families and girls watching, and girls really became a big part of our audience, in sort of like they picked up that Harry Potter type of serialized way, which is what The Batman in boarding school [?] is really gonna kill. But, the Cartoon Network was saying, ‘Fuck no, we want the boys’ action, it’s boys’ action, this goofy boy humor we’ve gotta get that in there. And we can’t—’ and I’d say, but look at the numbers, we’ve got parents watching, with the families, and then when you break it down—’Yeah, but the—so many—we’ve got too many girls. We need more boys.”

Clearly Paul Dini is as outraged at the female audience as I am (with their stupid need to watch things that aren’t about makeup or cooking). Thankfully, the executives at Cartoon Network were able to put a stop to it… this time. Men, we need to be firm on this. If there are little girls out there watching the things that little boys are supposed to be watching, they may start getting the same ideas! The same hopes, the same dreams! They might start wanting what we want, which is bad because everyone knows how clever women are when it comes to getting their way.

Oh well, maybe Netflix will pick it up for another season or two. They are very good at listening to what fans want and providing the appropriate programming. I know what you’re thinking, I will say right now that Netflix is run by a man, but maybe he’s a little like a woman on the inside. Young Justice can only hope.

...as long as girls buy toys. — …as long as girls buy toys.

Even though I think it was pretty obvious, let me just say that this post was brought to you by the letter “S” for sarcasm and sexism.

Author: Colin McMahon