When entering a horror scenario, odds are you (and hopefully your friends) will be going up against one of the following:
1) Someone who has meticulously planned an evening of horrific rampage.
2) A supernatural force that does not need to bother with trifles like plans.
3) Both.
Hopefully it will not be scenario three. While the situation is dire in any case, there are ways to prepare for the literal fight for your life. After watching a multitude of horror films, as well as spending significant time outdoors – this is the official definitive Red Rings guide for surviving the worst night of your life.
1) Weapon Choice
Here is where many people falter. Ask anyone what they’d like to have and you will receive answers like: a machete, a sword, a gun, a chainsaw. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG. Machetes and swords get stuck when dull and can be easily broken if they aren’t made well. While the gun is the logical choice for someone trained to use firearms, the average person is not a murderer and will not be able to easily shoot a moving, attacking foe in the head or other lethal point. And chainsaws… I don’t know how Leatherface does it. Anyone who has actually used a chainsaw will tell you that it involves slow, meticulous strokes to inflict any real damage. Also it runs off an external power source. In short: chainsaws suck worse than anything else.
What you will need will depend largely on what you’re facing. That said, there is one weapon choice that will work very well in most scenarios:
Not flashy, not dependent on a finite external power source. Does not matter if it is sharp or pointed or anything like that. Nothing spells offense like a long, easy-to-use piece of solid metal. The odds of this thing breaking are very slim and it is tough to imagine it getting stuck. Added bonus: most people can travel freely with a metal baseball bat without raising suspicion or prompting the local authorities to take action. This is the perfect weapon for most scenarios. Even if you are fighting a supernatural force, this bat may at least slow it down. That said, you will need more against beings from another world. One thing in particular… but it isn’t pretty.
2) The Supernatural Conduit
Things like demons do not just appear on our plane of existence for no reason. There is always a conduit, something binding the supernatural force to this world. You need to find it and destroy it. The downside is that it can be anything. That said, there are usually some physical indicators that a certain object may be more than what it seems. A book does not raise red flags. A book bound in human flesh and inked in human blood does. Also, look for something recently touched. If you’re out in an isolated setting: odds are that someone disturbed something. No one is going to blame you for unwittingly opening up a demon portal… as long as you own up to it quickly.
3) Tools
You’re going to need two types: tools for survival and tools for destroying the supernatural conduit. Fortunately, these can overlap. First things first – you will need a dependable source of fire. Fire is great for so many reasons. It can keep your warm, signal for help, or burn and destroy whatever is attacking you. Dependability means having back ups.
Other traditional tools involve things like knives and bug spray. I should not need to explain how knives can be useful. Bug spray however, keeps away mosquitoes… and is a can of propelled flammable poison. The more toxic, the better in this case. Other useful tools involve a compass, a map, salt (useful for adding flavor and making anti-demon rings), batteries, flashlights, and basically anything else you can think would be good to have if you were stranded alone in the woods – because that might be your situation by night’s end.
Supernatural tools are a little different. You really don’t want to have too many of these because odds are that most of them will not work and they will just be dead weight. Silver comes to mind as a definite. Silver is a material that has long been believed to have special properties against evil. Salt also, has already been mentioned. I would recommend also a symbol of YOUR particular faith. A cross is not going to do much without belief behind it. Also: most holy symbols are easy to make with sticks, so it is not essential to bring these. If you bring one, you better believe in the power behind it.
4) Communication
Cell phones may have been the single greatest invention of our time. The ability to talk with others from virtually anywhere is a much-needed defense against horror scenarios. That said, cell phones are only great if they have two things: power and a signal. If you’re venturing far from the dominion of civilization, that signal might be hard to come by, so bring a satellite phone. They’re expensive but they don’t need to be bought, just rented. Phone companies agree that “during emergency or disaster recovery situations, satellite phones also prove to be the most reliable method of communication, making them an ideal crisis management communication solution.”
Enough said. Make sure you have one and a reliable power supply for it.
5) Allies
Sure, you can call them “friends” but in a war for survival, such a term becomes trivial. Regardless of which scenario, the singular you is at a disadvantage. Nothing levels the playing field like numbers of dependable human beings. Do not think “how am I going to survive this,” think “how are we going to survive this.” Those people who think only of themselves – how many horror movies has that type of jackass survived to the end? Make a plan, strategize, communicate, and above all: stick together!
Do not be like those people.
6) Your brain
Assume that you are dealing with an intelligent adversary who is likely stronger than you are. You are not going to be able to work up sufficient muscle mass to tip the scale in one night – I don’t care how much you lift, bro. This is going to be a battle won by intelligence. Again, the allies help a lot here. The more minds, the easier it is to overcome whatever nightmare scenario your opponent has dreamed up.
Use common sense, do not break off to investigate noises or pick up that one thing you left behind. Identify which threat you are dealing with and respond accordingly. If you can do this, you may just survive the worst night of your life.
This post prompted courtesy of Man Crates! Everything a man needs is only a crowbar away (crowbars are also excellent weapons in this situation, just saying).
Colin McMahon 