children’s movie

Right now there are brutal things happening around the world. Whether locally in Ferguson or abroad in the Israel-Palestinian conflict, it seems like right now is not a shining moment for the human race. While I could (and at some point will) talk about these horrific events, I felt I needed a change of pace for a moment. So let’s talk about another Godzilla movie, that’s always fun! Winding the clocks all the way back to 1969 (teehee), today’s post focuses on the tenth film in the series, All Monsters Attack, later known as Godzilla’s Revenge over here in the States. This film was the immediate follow-up to 1968’s Destroy All Monsters, and is commonly known as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Personally, I feel that this is an unfair label. Yet while Godzilla’s Revenge may not be the worst film in the series, it certainly is the most bizarre.

Actually, even that may not be true.

Bizarre in this case means that Godzilla’s Revenge is simply not like any other Godzilla movie ever made. “How could that be?”, you ask. Well, for starters: Godzilla is not ever really in the movie…. yeah, that is a little strange.

But he's right there on the poster! — But he’s right there on the poster!

Everything about that poster is a lie.

Godzilla’s Revenge is about a small boy overcoming parental neglect and bully problems. Oh, also he fights two burglars, pre- Home Alone style.

I am not kidding. If you’re saying to yourself: “what does that have to do with Godzilla?” Fair question. Here is a rundown of the ‘plot.’

Godzilla’s Revenge follows Ichiro Miki, he is our young protagonist living somewhere in Japan. Both of Ichiro’s parents are always working and the kid does not appear to have any real friends, aside from a young girl and an elderly toymaker. Worse than that, he has a bully: a slightly less small child whom he calls Gabara. That’s all okay though since Ichiro has his best friend, Minilla!

Seen here are the two of them on a play date.

Minilla is better known as the Son of Godzilla (originally from the movie of the same name). Minilla is also usually roughly 18 meters tall and, you know, a monster. In case it was not already apparent, Ichiro is not actually friends with the ‘real’ Minilla. Godzilla’s Revenge is a movie where all the monster portion takes place inside the imagination of a boy. While this sounds strange, it does not sound like a terrible idea. Godzilla had already appeared nine times at this point, so a new spin sounds like an inventive way to create a sequel.

It probably didn't help that this film came right after Destroy All Monsters, a movie which featured an awesome battle royale and more monsters than any prior Godzilla film. — It probably didn’t help that this film came right after *Destroy All Monsters*, a movie which featured an awesome battle royale and more monsters than any prior Godzilla film.

Yet for imagination, a lot of the monster footage is insanely familiar. Maybe Ichiro watched all the earlier Godzilla movies since the vast majority of monster footage in this movie is from prior films, namely Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster and Son of Godzilla. Yeah, those looking for a new movie in Godzilla’s Revenge only got about half of their wish. Couldn’t Ichiro imagine something cooler?

Nah, he’s too busy talking to Minilla. Yeah, that thing pictured above talks. Here’s what it sounds like in the English dub:

Awesome.

Ichiro talks to Minilla about bullying problems, something that the monster is all too familiar with. That is the bulk of this movie: dealing with bullies. Again, this does not sound like a horrible idea on the surface, just a puzzling one. The Godzilla series is, by its nature, a series about conflict so making an anti-bullying movie sounds challenging. Well, this movie is not anti-bullying.

Minilla seen here solving his own bullying problem. Looks like it is going great!

Yeah, Godzilla’s Revenge is the movie you show your kids to encourage them to fight. Great morals Japan! Minilla and Ichiro both need to stand up to a bully named Gabara, and both do… through fighting. Remember children, if someone you know is bullying you, tell an adult… unless that adult is Godzilla… just don’t talk to Godzilla. So there’s that.

Sounds to me like Godzilla is being really judgmental.

Oh, and remember those burglars I mentioned earlier? Well Ichiro gets kidnapped. Yeah, the kid left all on his own is abducted, but do not worry (and this is another moral of the movie) he knows his parents are busy and he needs to be more responsible. Yes children, if you’re alone and you get kidnapped: it is your fault.

Well, maybe you should be more useful, child! On a serious note, I feel like scenes like this one are poignant and the film misses the mark of being a truly interesting movie. — Well, maybe you should be more useful, child!
On a serious note, I feel like scenes like this one are poignant and the film overall shows the potential of being a much better movie than it ever is.

If it sounds like I’m describing a nonsensical plot that kinda jumps all over the place, it is because I am. Godzilla’s Revenge is not a particularly well put together movie. It is a combo of stock footage and questionable lessons for children. All that said, I do not think it is the worst Godzilla movie. Simply put – it is too different to really compare it to other films. There is no common structure here. Is the film entertaining: sure, in a really campy kind of way. Well, that’s already more than people can say about Godzilla vs. Gigan.

This movie is just weird, from the imagination scenes to the talking Minilla to a kid fighting everyone to be more adult. Why was it called All Monsters Attack? No clue. Who is Godzilla actually taking revenge against, apart from bullies? Fair question. What the f*ck am I watching? Godzilla’s Revenge.

Everyone has that movie – you know the one I’m talking about. You watched it over and over again as a kid, loving every minute of it… and then you grew up. Said movie disappeared, either sold at a yard sale or recorded over (talking some VHS nonsense here) or just plain lost. Years passed and you forgot that this piece of your childhood ever existed, until one day it’s mentioned at a party or you see a clip on Youtube or flipping channels. Then it’s a joyful act of rediscovery! Right?

… Not always.

Stay dead, Street Sharks! You're the poor man's Ninja Turtles... and that is saying something right now. — Stay dead, *Street Sharks*! You’re the poor man’s *Ninja Turtles*… and that is saying something right now.

We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story was that type of movie for me. I loved it to pieces as a kid. This is the movie that came out in 1993 alongside Jurassic Park… but was more for the kiddies (not that we all didn’t watch Jurassic Park anyway – cause f*ck the police). As a young boy, I couldn’t get enough of this movie. There was a talking T-Rex, hot dog-eating dinosaurs, a wish radio… an evil screw-eyed professor (with an actual screw for an eye)… dancing dinosaurs on the streets of New York…

The movie also features this. I believe it speaks for itself.

What the f*ck am I watching?

Yes, We’re Back! is incredibly creative, which is probably one of the things that made it so appealing to children – that and dinosaurs. Watching the film today, however, is a different experience all together. Is it still creative? Sure – but let’s get to the plot.

Okay so the movie opens with young birds in a nest. One of the birds is getting picked on by his siblings and wants to leave the nest (he’s going to run away and join the circus – a logical career move for a bird). Out he goes onto a branch and, regrettably, it’s not long before he topples off. But that’s okay because he’s saved by Rex (voiced by none other than John Goodman), a dinosaur who’s playing golf.

What?

He's one white dinosaur. — He’s one white dinosaur.

No no, we’re nowhere near strange yet. Anyway, so John Goodrex has some advice for the would-be run away. He tells him the story of another little boy who ran away to join the circus. But of course, he can’t start the story without explaining a couple of big questions – how did he get to present day New York and why is he so smart?

Are you ready for this?

Okay, so Rex was your average dumb T-Rex. He ran, ate other dinosaurs – all that good jazz. Then his alien named Vorb (voiced by Jay Leno) comes down and snatches him up into this flying ship thing. Vorb gives him “Brain Grain,” a breakfast cereal designed to make him smarter! It also makes him look more cuddly and gives him the ability to talk! Shortly thereafter, Rex is introduced to the other dinosaurs who have been genetically modified. There’s a triceratops, a pterodactyl, and a… an… a duck-billed thing (probably an edmontosaurus). They’ve also been given Brain Grain and now spend their days eating hot dogs… cause why not?

Anyway, that’s the basic introduction. One thing I will mention now (that I never noticed as a kid) is how much the pterodactyl hits on Rex. She seriously has several bizarre lines and seems to get off on him checking out her “wingspan.” Now, I wasn’t there in the days of the dinosaur but… pretty sure the Bible says something against inter-dinosaur romance – check Leviticus.

No means no, regardless of species involved.

The Dinosaurs are introduced to Captain Neweyes (voiced by Walter Cronkite – not kidding), the man who invented the Brain Grain and the time-traveling flying spaceship that they’re all on. Captain Neweyes has also invented a “wish radio” that he uses to see what people want. What people want in the 90s is apparently dinosaurs (a way to solve world hunger would have been great too – Captain Neweyes is kind of a jerk when you think about it).

This man could stop Hitler if he wanted to.

So, the Captain’s plan: bring dinosaurs to modern day New York and then air-drop them into the city. Tell them nothing about the world besides that they have to go to the Museum of Natural History and to avoid his evil brother, Professor Screweyes (a time traveler who uses his amazing technology to run a circus). Sounds like a great plan, what could go wrong?

Oh, right… dinosaurs in New York. Of course, the dinos meet up with two kids who want to go to the circus and get sidetracked with Professor Screweyes. The Professor possesses his own “Brain Drain” that can de-evolve people… why is he just running a circus again?

I won’t spoil the ending… let’s just say it involves a feast for crows.

What a weird movie. Seriously, I can understand an animated movie about dinosaurs. Who doesn’t love The Land Before Time? But… really? Why… everything else?

Turns out this movie is based off a book (so it wasn’t entirely the crazed director’s ideas), but the movie adds in characters like Captain Neweyes and Professor Screweyes.

To be fair, it’s not just the plot that’s strange. The cast is a bizarre collection too. At the time, John Goodman had never done animation before, and Walter Cronkite was never known for voice acting. Oh, Julia Child is in this too as the museum curator. Again: why not?

Fun fact: during the parade scene, there is numerous advertising for Jurassic Park. Parents objected to the material and were promptly ignored. — Fun fact: during the parade scene, there is numerous advertising for *Jurassic Park*. Parents objected to the material and were promptly ignored.

Is the movie good? It’s… hard to say. You’ll be entertained, I can guarantee that. It sure is creative. If one can ignore all the problems (and there are many) that come with time travel, there is fun to be had. It is an odd movie… a really odd movie, but one with a heart, even if that heart is lusting for inter-dinosaur romance.

What the f*ck am I watching: We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story.

OH – BEST PART: the whole thing is on Youtube. Enjoy!

Godzilla's Revenge A.K.A. All Monsters Attack A.K.A. What the F*ck am I Watching?

The F*ck am I Watching? We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story